i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
