are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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