I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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