I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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