When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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