First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
