I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
