She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Be still, my beating vagina.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
