you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
