I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
