what day is it and did you see me today?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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