My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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