I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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