Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
