just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
