I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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