ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
