Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
