Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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