he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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