stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize