I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
