"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
