Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
