just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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