life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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