Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize