is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
