Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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