Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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