My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
