he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
