John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
whose ass print is on the piano?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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