i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
