I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
