rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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