Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
