I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
