I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
