Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
