Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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