I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why are your pants in the freezer?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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