At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I had to cum in my sink.
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