Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
