I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize