so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
