I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
