Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
