There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
