she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
