he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
