You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize