I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
