so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
