god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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