He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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