I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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