I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
