fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just tell him i said nine months
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
