I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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