It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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