I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize