Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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