I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
