I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
