somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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