i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
